i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
