it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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