Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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