bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
