So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize