So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
