So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
