I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
