I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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