I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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