census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
