I cannot find my penis.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
