walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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