my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
