A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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