theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
