Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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