If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
