why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
