Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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