Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
