Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
