i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
