Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
