What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
