I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
