We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
