i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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