ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
