i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
