Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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