I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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