Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
