I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
