i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
