Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
