So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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