I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
