I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
