if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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