Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize