Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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