I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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