I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
