Ambien. No doubt about it.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
