I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
