I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
