a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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