How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize