I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Couch. On fire.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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