i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
