hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
