Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
