Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
