I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
