so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize