I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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