I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
