he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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