grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
