My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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