I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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