By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
