Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
