Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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